The closer I get to that "Magic" age, the more I wonder if I will ever find the Real One. When I was a young girl, I just automatically assumed that I would be married with teenage kids by now. After all, by the time my mother was my age, I was already halfway through high school, giving her grey hairs and headaches with all my angst. Why wouldnt it be that way for me?
It never occured to me back then to consider the possibility of getting to be the age I am now, still single and childless. Admittingly, the past four years have been a stressful time for me - professionally and personally - it's probably just as well there wasnt anyone in the picture. Why would anyone in their right mind want to sign on for that kind of chaos? But that's over and done with. And now, here I am on the cusp of turning 40 and nary a romantic spark in sight.
When I think of the kind of guys I was attracted to in my 20s, I cringe. Likewise, the types of men I gravitated towards in my 30s force an involuntary shudder. Now that I am about to step into my 40s, I think I have it figured out. As the song says, I AM *holding out for a hero*.
The eHarmony questionnaire asks the responder for their feelings on traditional gender roles. Previously, I would have taken a strong stance against them. I am woman - hear me roar! Anything a man can do, I can do better AND in high heels! Maybe I've just gotten soft over the years...or desperate....but I'm just tired of having to constantly fend for myself. I see real value in having a man come into my life and help support me and care for me. A gentleman, a scholar, a handyman and a rock. Someone I can look to when I am down or stressed... someone who will find my goofiness and occasional ditziness endearing, but will gently guide me, help me through life while at the same time recognizing that I am a learned, intelligent human being worthy of respect and consideration. Worthy of love in its true form.
In essence, I'm compromising...I dont want to go it alone anymore. That doesnt mean I'm going to pick up with just any ol' schmuk off the street. I do still have my standards. But as the lyrics go:
"Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder end rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet"
I think back on my life, and I realize in hindsight that I have made many mistakes over the years when it comes to some of the men I have been involved with and subsequently pushed aside. Truly, if I only knew then what I know now I wouldnt have thrown away the good guys. I wouldnt have turned my back on the men that wanted to take care of me. I wouldnt have been such a player. No one wants to love a player.
But you know what they say about hindsight - it's 20/20 vision...and I have an astigmatism.
Thinking back, I remember a time when I was hanging out with some of my male friends at a club and they were trying to hit on some other women sitting near us. I asked them point blank why they never hit on me like that. They all said in spontaneous unison: "Because you dont want us!". Ouch. That hurt. But they were right. Back then, I didnt want them because they were not what my 33-year old self was looking for. Back then I wanted flash. I wanted slick. I wanted superficiality. At the time, I mistook good looks, disposable income and a shiny car for "love". Stability and a house in the 'burbs were unattractive qualities to me then. But now...it sounds pretty gosh darn good.
I just hope it isnt too late...